There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
