There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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