I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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