you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
