He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
