I wish I could punch you in the face.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
