I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
