I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
