Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
