Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
