Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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