I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
