You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My friends, they love my intelligence
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
