Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
