You're my little dorito
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
