There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
