____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
