I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm having to shit out rocks
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
