I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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