matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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