i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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