Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
