***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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