Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
