I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
