I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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