I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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