opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
