Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
