Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
