My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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