I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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