I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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