bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
