you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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