I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
