You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
