Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
