There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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