You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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