You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
