If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
