What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
