i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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