Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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