Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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