I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
