The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
