when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
