Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
